Again, It has been a long time since I wrote here. Most of the time, after work I don’t find the energy to make time to prepare a piece.  Some of the entries I have written here took over 4 hours to write, time that is hard to find when you working over 40 hours a week.  Well actually there is enough time left, but I have to spend it with other things, like the household, playing games, chatting and other stuff I do.

One of the  positive aspects is that with having less time tho think about life, the universe and everything is that my mood is levelled.  However, I am also sure this is not so much as a leveled mood as the moods being padded, like an anti-depressant medication.

In many ways, I ‘feel’ it is not the right way to go, but I also know it is the only way to go for now, as I need my job, I need to get the payments done.  I also feel I am more easily bored,  or indifferent at things. and more quickly irritated at people. It feels unreal. Not me. yet  at the same moment, i fear it is the real me.  Maybe I am not as mentally well schooled and trained as I thought I was.

How strange this feels, as I feel a need to understand the phenomena as well as shrugging about it and get on with a  very superficial, but apparently for the real world  meaning full life.

I have not written this with the bitterness like some of my other more recent postings, but rather with one of those serene moods that were so common for the last few years, that made me grow.  curious, at ease.

Hmm  this is the reality, that can not be observed without changing it? If you get that questio, i am sure you get the purpose and quest within this  little peache

Have I changed so much? Or has Second Life changed that much? or maybe both.

The fact is, That today I tried to log on to second life, and what i found was that i was not just bored right away, but that things started to irritate me.

• People I met started to get on my nerves
• I was irritated by large malls with 2 maybe 3 filled spaces of the sae old shops again
• I was not even ale to find some thigns exiting, or atleast different to do in the second life search.

My friends were not online, except one, who was engaged in ohter business apperently.

As I looked arround i notices that spots were either:

• Only there to make you spend money
• Places made so crappy that it woudl even would make a blind toddler with legos feel ashamed to build
• Places theat are small group only.

I guess I cannot dany a huge carse of melancholy, longign back to the time that me and my friends, as a bunch of teens sat at the dock, or at my home,  laughing, cryings, talking. Fe funny, be serious. Lost is my feelign that second life is about people. it is replaced by the idea that Second life is about consuming, and consuming only. It is a shame, but i guess in a way that is what teh average person on sl wants now a days.

I found that work helps you to with mental problems. However it does so by suppressing them, not by going trough them and curing them.  This seems at least to be the case for me.  Although I like the change of being numbed in that way,  I am also scared for what this implies…

Funny thing is that I realy have to go now.. yep to work, but i must make time to let my mind roam more on this subject.

Yes I am still arround. On the Positive side:

I finally have a paid job. It is a 6 months contract, but it will probably be torn open for a years contract.

As for the IRS, I still have to pay a large sum, but the fines are being taken away. Still will take me over a year to pay in full Still, call me emo, I am not Happy, rather I feel more and more withdrawn. Since the new year, I only spend about 15 minutes in Second Life and I got bored and irritated.  I dunno what to think of it or even what to do for it

on the negative side, I don’t feel better. One should think My social contacts

I am not sure where to go with this post. Or blog for this mater. I have half a thought to just close and hide it.

It seems that lately, I am building walls arround me again. I have less patience with people, I see frineds less and less, and everythign now a days seem to rotate arround work, even though i still have no contract.

Yes, I feel myself once agian closing down to people, every new person is seen as a possible treath towards me. Trust is flowing away.

I am not sure htat, with my lack of postign, this blog has anylonger a reason or right to exist.

Not much posting going on around here.  I have tried, but often it seems that my mind is to numb to real get into any possible blogging mood. Although it is nice to have a job (still not certain, but almost certain) It takes a lot of me on a mental level.  People screaming and jelling in frustration and anger that their computer does not work.  ect.. is just very tiresome in the end. Not physical, but emotionally.

It is like i ma totally numb not wantign one thing or another. I get into Second life, and quickly boremyself to death, I tries to roleplay, but it irritated me rather. I triedto play games, but i could not care less.  I start to wonder what is wrong with me. getting back to work is supposed to be good, isnt it?

Sadly, the funeral was not the only event today:

i started to have a terrible toothache last night, starting after the wake . we went for diner, and it started to act up there. I had the courtesy to wait for the main course to be gone, to head home.   Normal painkillers did not help, and even drinking half a bottle of liquor (whiskey, what else) did not seduce me enough to fall asleep. So I had a non existent sleep that night. However, even though I don’t like funerals at all, I would not want to miss this one, at no reason.  In the morning  I gave a call to the Doctor he  who helped my mom, and told him my problem. He prescribes something for the pain, witch i could get about a half hour later at the pharmacist. Although i am quite sure those were quite strong, the painkillers did not do their trick, Even the usual trick with cloves did not work this time.

So before attending the funeral, i had to make an emergency appointment with a dentist. Had to find my insurance papers, legitimation, and bring enough cash for the treatment.  I know i have not taken care of my teeth in a long time. Drinking lots of cola, and eating sour fruit and candy does not help, and i only recently started to use an electric toothbrush. So the verdict was that I had 2 bad caveties,t aht needed immedient treathmen (somethign allready told me.. the tooth ache perhaps?) anyway, i ended up in an emergency rootchannel treathment, and  filling up 2 teeth…

Since the dentist was an emergency one, i need to find myself a good one. Not a happy camper. although life is much and much better without the pain.

When the forecast for a loved one, is one of only depression, pain and digression, the kiss off death is not a sad one but one of relieve, acceptance, and embracement.

Yesterday evening we had a wake for mom. She looked better in the coffin then she had for the last 2 weeks, but i guess that is quite usual, although, she also had that strange unrealistic glance over her, that i have seen before at wakes.  Only a hand full attended, and I took some pictures of her.  It was an intimate, but  – under circumstances – quite a nice gathering of some friends and family.

Today I was a bit late for the pre-gathering at the funeral home, but i had a good enough reason (see next entry)  but I was able to come. After  this gathering was done, and the coffin was closed, we headed to the crematorium, where the services would be hold.

Since both dad and mom did not believe, it was a nice Deity neutral service, except for 1 or 2  lost Christianity themed candles somewhere.   A lot of people from our village were gathered, all close friends and family. Ex coworkers of dad. Several people I did not expect came. there were even a few people I was very surprised yet thank full to see:

• The bosses of my new work showed the respect
• An old neighbour of a friend showed up. She is special for me as she has helped to get me to psychological health care.
• My moms brother, who suffers form Korsakoff’s syndrome.

The service was mostly music. Only a friend of my parents, my dad and my brother spoke. I have been thinking of speaking myself, but in honesty, I had no need to speak. And i refuse to speech just because it might seem to be a social obligation. The music that was played:

1. Brahms – Hungarian Dance 4 (mom’s piece)
2. Celine Dion – Power Of Love (Dad’s Piece)
3. Metallica – Nothing Else Matters (Brother’s Piece)
4. Clannad – Na Laethe Bhí (my piece)
5. John Elton – Circle Of Life (Decided together)

Afterwards, people who wanted too could lay a white/green or a red rose on moms coffin. my father, brother and me put down the last ones. When they left the hall, the were given a cd with music that made an impression on my mom, a cd to remember her by Then there was coffee with made sandwiches. Not the usual stale ones, but freshly made with high quality goods, like mom would have wanted.

afterwards, we went to a littel restaurant we hired. Several people were invited, especially the close ones, and the ones that traveled from afar, to join us in a reception were  some novell cuisine dished were served, and people could talk in a more relaxed environment.

I think, and my brother agrees with it, that this was a good goodbye to mom.  It was as she would have liked. so we are at peace with the whole thing.

All wiht all the day was good

Translation

Artist: Clannad
Song: Na Laethe Bhí
Album: Banba

[ In Memoriam: Mom: 1946 - 2008
Mom passed away today.
This is the piece of music i chose to be played at her cremation. ]

Do chomhrá s’ do chairdeas
Ba mhian liom I gconaí
‘s oró grá mo chroí
Scéalta is amhrãin
Go haosta le sléibhte
Cruaidh ‘s cróga le haois

Slán le na laethe a bhí seal go haerach
Slán le na laethe a bhí
Slán leis an oíche
A casadh orainn do’n chéad uair
Slán le na laethe bhí

Ag amhare ar an fharraige
‘s an ghrian ar a’tsáile
‘s oró grá mo choí
Scéalta fa Bhalar
sna trí Mhici Gorra
Oileáin seanda mar fhís

Slán le na laethe a bhí seal go haerach
Slán le na laethe a bhí
Slán leis an oíche
A casadh orainn do’n chéad uair
Slán le na laethe bhí

Bí liom a stórín
Samhradh go geimhreadh
Rún mó mhíle stór

Slán le na laethe a bhí seal go haerach
Slán le na laethe a bhí
Slán leis an oíche
A casadh orainn do’n chéad uair
Slán le na laethe bhí

Your protection and your friendship
Were always desired,
and my heart’s great love
Stories and songs
Old as the mountains
Strong and brave with age.

Goodbye to the days that were, turning so lightheartedly
Goodbye to the days that were
Goodbye to the night
Turning on the first hour
Goodbye to the days that were.

At the sight of the sea
and the sun on the seashore
and the great love of my heart
were stories and Balar (?)
in three Mici Gorra (?)
Ancient islands like a vision (or dream)

I had a sweetheart
From summer up to winter
My dearest love.

At 2:30 CET mom passed away.

In a way it is a big releive, knowing it was a rather quick death.

I am calm, acceptign.