I have actually chosen a very interesting time to start a blog… At the moment I am over with some friends I know from second life. They are very nice people.. funny, kind and well, like me, kind of exploring newly found sides of their life

Yesterday evening, until early yesterday morning we had erm… some interesting talks. witch was good, but also brought me to an understanding, to a condition I am not yet accepting about myself yet. However this realization touched me in may core, the deepest of my inner me.

I have been trough a very rough night as I have been fighting and struggling with my self. Even right now as I type my self hate is acting up badly. Now don’t get me wrong… The people I am staying here have absolutely nothing to do with the current violence I feel about myself.

I told them both that I had no more secrets, witch, at the time of the statement seemed to be true, even to myself. Sometimes, a barrier you think you have is suddenly gone, at other times, something you thought you worked upon, suddenly is a big black forbidden wall again… I guess my psyche in a way, rebuild that wall. And it know it is a very strong one.

When I went to bed, at like 4 am, I hardly was able to sleep, infact, I think I only slept 3 hours, and only because both the booze as my general tiredness level kicked in…But suddenly it was there.. my self hate talking to me.. telling me how worthless I really really am.. How a sad an pathetic creature I am… My Anger and fear completely took over, fighting myself.. at one point I was able to take note that I was actually physically fighting myself, shaking all over, witch is a weird thing to happen…

Right now, I am scared… feeling so freaking worthless… I am blogging yet at the moment, I just am not sure if I am going to save this entry or not… One part tells me to save it, the other part is just freaking out at the prospect of them reading this.

The thing is, I am paranoia, as far as it concerns that I believe that everything I do on the net is bout to be seen leaked or saved by people who might want to use it against me. Every freaking word I write don on any, and I do mean ANY internet service is actually quite calculated even this text.

It is only because I chose to be open that I am allowing myself to speak openly.. but at times as these, when I am l wrestling myself up to a point that it is visible to the outside world, I am not able to blog about it.

the struggle continues to this blog entry, as part of me want them (the people who I am with) to find it.. and my other part want this post deleted more then I want anything else now in the world. They have been put up with more then their fair share of discovering that the beautiful swan I might seem to be in sl fore some, is rapidly turning back into the ugliest duckling ever seen. Having written that last phrase.. I now know what choice I am going to make about this blog entry, even though I might still have the feeling to change or delete it..

I guess quite some strange first entry, but be prepared for more of theses, as I am the strangest, and therefore the most normal one of all…