Duncans Thoughts

Avoidant Personality Disorder.
This is the the most important of all psychical diagnoses I have had. In fact, all others are a direct consequence of the Avoidant Personality Disorder (APD).

Without doubt I developed this during my early teens. Form an early age on, i always was different:

• Looked different
  I have always been obese. I think my obesity has several causes. Some causes can not be changed, others can. But it is hard to find the willpower to do so, if the result is that you will still be too ‘fat’ only somewhat less.
• Thought different.
  From an early age, it was quite clear i had a knack for science. Being tested on an early age revealed a high IQ (late at 16, i briefly became member of Mensa… but was quickly disappointed with them). Anyway, this made me more interested about scientific topics, while most other boys in my class were more into football and alike. Add to it dyslexia, witch makes me a very bad speller. I think the dyslexia, even more then my high IQ helped me to see things in a different way. At an early age i learned that there were more ways to reach the same goal.
• Act different.
  I think my biggest complain about the human race is the lack of education. Humans, in general seem to be too lazy, or uncaring to learn about subjects. In fact, most never go any further then duplicating the opinion of the person nearest to them that shouts the hardest. Although it might sound a bit self possessed, i think that one of my virtues, if any, is that i always have thought independently. I accepted people are different. I accepted that even though I don’t share an opinion, it does not make that other opinion ‘bad’ or ‘invalid’. Live and let live. Not out of apathy, but out of caring

However, this made me a weird person. And living in a small village, this weirdness quickly turned into rejection… being tormented, ridiculed. As times passes, I started just to distrust people and closed myself down. But it made me lonely, and even more so when puberty hit.

Fearing too much being rejected and ridiculed, I was never be able to express love and affection. In fact, I kind of convinced myself I was not allowed these feelings. Yet I long to someone to love, hold, and to be with. It is just that my fear of rejection takes over.

On a professional level, My avoidant personality is quite manageable. It still i there, and sometimes manifest itself, but for 99% of the time, i can function with out this being in the way. If i need to, i would even be able to give lectures in front of an audience. It is one of the times depersonalization comes in handy.

On a private level, I am still struggling. How closes somone gets, how more distant i act. Basically what i want.. or need is the complete acceptance of my, on all fronts of the someone who gets close. In a way, I expect that someone who knows who I really am just rejects me.

I am still struggling whit it up till to day, and probably will be struggling with it for life. Unless i can find someone who is able to tame me, accept me, and be with me.