Duncans Thoughts

Sometimes in life, you need to evaluate the path you are walking in life. Some people discover that this path is not the path they had hoped for. Or worse.. They are walking the path they tried to avoid.

When I evaluated my on path… I came to the conclusion that where ever i was heading.. I was heading to wards something that was not ‘me’. :

• Work
  I had my own company, but i was not a business man. I had this company, because someone else told me i should. And i knew deep in my heart that I hated it. i needed to break away form this.. This job was killing me
• Religious/Spiritual
  I have been brought up atheistic. Mind you.. I think that ,on its own was not a bad choice. But dad was, and even is, almost orthodox about atheism. I know now i am rather agnostic.. With a fond of pagan and Buddhist religions/life visions, as those are more about peace then the Christian or Islamic religions.
• Sexuality.
  Perhaps my biggest problem. I knew already I liked diapers. But due to the things that happened when my parents found out, I kept it strictly secret. When Internet came, I quickly found other people who liked diapers: Infantilist. But most just liked to be a baby, while i rather had the vision to ‘play’ a somewhat older boy in my fantasies. Like many still believe to day.. i did think i was pedophile, but it did not compute… I did not want to go after children, i’d rather die. Only when I found a site about ageplay and inner children… I knew what had been nagging me all the time.
• Living Situation
  Since i had no money , due to the “having my own business adventure” I had to live back with my parents. I still do.. but it is a struggle. Both for them as for me.

Realizing that with many things, i was quite away form the path I wanted. or hoped to walk in life.. I broke down. I started to question all the discussions i made, and had to make. I just was not able to decide the simplest of things. Even up to a pint that i could not decide if i wanted coffee or tea or nothing.

What happened if i still had to decide, is that i had to evaluate all parameters involved. Normally you do this completely without thinking. It is hard to recall, but it went something like: Should I take coffee or tea? Hmm what do i normally drink in this situation. Why do i drink this in this situation. Has it ever been different. What caused the change? Each questions evolved into sub questions, sometimes up to 10 levels deep. And I needed to answer all those questions first, consciously, before i was able to answer the simple question “Do you want coffee or tea”

This reasoning was needed, to refind the directions i wanted to go. At the moment, the real crisis of the identity crisis is over. I still am not where i want to be, but i am working on it. At least i know what direction i want to go, and slowly but surely i am following that path now.