[The following blog entries are taken form other older blog sites. I put them on this page to get an overview of how I progressed from my breakdown. Like my new blog here, they are in reversed chronological order (newest first) ]
SC, August 19, 2006, 10:02:53 AM
Rant about Chris Mommy on PH
I wish my mommy would be more direct and clear…
She says she loves me, and, granted she has been on the boards on the other site lately…The sad thing is, right from the beginning I did not feel full member of the family, and I never stopped to feel that way… Partly, this comes because Stuff in my mind, Partly because of life (Different time zones, an being so far a way, I can’t bond with her as her other sons, and of course they have been going trough a rough period) But it also partly, because Mommy can’t even do the effort of contacting me… I know I must have been on Numerous times while she was online too, but she has hidden her self from me, so I can’t really tell.. only simultaneous posting on the boards.
I think of calling it quits (being family), especially since lately, I feel very much like merging with Zach… We would fuse into a new person….
Sounds like I am running away… and partly, it is true perhaps, but then, if it was only that, I would have fused a few months ago…
Big , Zach and me believe we would be able to manage time better if we only had one inner child with maybe a broader age range… It is maybe the starting clean thing…
When I started at ageplay on the net, I, Chris was quite idealistic with a hurt past…. but well the real world has caught up with me… and the idealism is gone.. a bad thing for a preteen.
Hmm… the thoughts come random, so things might not always seem in logical order in this entry
I know the fusion would result in a boy, very close to Zach’s age… on the other hand, I do think he would be more real then I am, since his need for idealistic being would be less… I do know his future’s boy name, and looks… And a few of you might know him from second life: it will be Duncan Rust.
He would be able to get new parents and be critical about choosing who he will get… We have an idea of who we like, if she will have him. I am fairly sure she would welcome him, Others can be aunty neighbour or whatever… Friends… but if they don’t want.. fine… I should finally try to not push my feelings a way only because I want to please other’s feelings….
And if my family decides I am a traitor, then.. I will have to acknowledge it is they way they feel, and get on with life… *sighs* but that is the hard part…. because I know they will force me into feeling bad about it.. and I will fall for it *stomps feet*
anyway… all we want in the end is big being happy… we now what he likes but it is hard to get… but when he gets it, there will be no more need to be separate, we then just can be one….
Hmm.. I also should clean up my IM list.. a lots of weird people there now…
most I don’t even speak too…It would be a nice thing to do.. right away with the fusion.. and just give the new Instant Messenger account to those I like to talk with.. things should be way easier
hmmm.. I am done for now… happy reading my random thoughts.. I going to take a shower.. an I hope when I get back someone r/l will stand there with a fresh nappy for big n us, and a huge snuggle.. that would be so awesome *giggles*
PH, Aug 20 2006, 11:09 PM
Chris goodbye
*Sighs* This is going to be a difficult entry…
To get over it: Chris will be gone.
Since a few months I feel Chris getting weaker and weaker, making place for my teen side. where Chris seems to faint, Zach becomes stronger.
There are several causes to this:
Healing
I am actually able to feel more mature now.. well.. somewhat at least.Innocence
The innocence of Chris is lost. not per definition sexual innocence, but the magic, the idealistic Chris is gone. I guess that is what the exposure to internet can do. The almost weekly efforts of gay boys and men to do things Chris does not want, The efforts of finding some family on SL, and some ageplay is bad activism…Family
No, I am not gonna avoid this one. Yes, I have been disappointed in Chris family, not in all, but in a couple I knew Chris needed the most: His mom and sister. I am not discussing or argumenting there were no good reasons for it, but I am pointing that this is a part of why Chris is no Chris anymore. and it is true weather you or I like it or not. Yes, some effort has been made to try and mend it.. but I fear it was not enough.. In the end, I discovered only 2 were there for Chris: Chase and Chris’ Aunty Raven.managing ageplay
It seems I am to busy with some ageplay stuff to be able to get normal work done. That can never be right. But the boards visit and the people I talk to.. all together take too much time to get on with a real life. Of course this goes without saying this is my adult side speakingI know some of you might be hurt by this, it is the main reason why I have waited so long. Of course everyone is entitled to his or her feelings, but I really feel with my heart and mind that this is the right course of action…
As Chris will merge with Zach, they will become someone new, but with the ideas and memory of both boys combined. I will give some time to let others say good bye, if the want, if not that is all right too.
*sighs*
Well just hoping the best of itLove to all Chris, Zach
PH, Jul 13 2006, 08:11 AM
No Title
Today, both amusement and anger seem to be running high.
As most of you probably do or at least did at one point in your life, my dad was looking for porn on the net today. Except for the more or less normal weirdness of the idea your parents got sex (though.. how else would you exist). I don’t really care.
of course a everyone has done too, I bet, he quickly changed screens when he saw me coming *smiles* I do that too…
However, as trained computer nerd, I don’t have the problems of needing to understand the screen I am looking at, so, I can directly read the contents of the website that was visible for a spilt second.
My Amusement and also anger came as I found he was looking at a BDSM site.
Apparently, he is not as ‘normal’ as he pretends to be (normal being defined as straight missionary style sex).This also made me angry. After all: What the {bad word}? He has judged me for being different!!!!!!!
I have not confronted him with it, but if the hell breaks loose at one time – I still can see that happening- he can have it back.
Typical my dad… It only is acceptable when it fits him.
LJ, 05 June 2006 @ 11:37 am
To place in context
Yesterday, my dad was telling about it, about how proud he was he never had seen me or treated me as a child. the moment his words reached my ears… it was like being struck by lightning… Looking back, I know this is true
*Killing all my emotions*
I guess this kind of up bring has it advantages, though apparently, in the long run, it had worked against me.
Who was right, and who was wrong?
I guess neither of us…
But none the less the problem is there
LJ, 05 June 2006 @ 03:13 am
A Realization
I often wonder why my psyche and needs have taken the form of an inner child. After all there are zillions of ways to display or handle my needs… so why did I choose one of the most controversial ones: the need of being a child and teen.
It seems that I recently found a piece of the puzzle:
The way my parents raised y, was focused on treating me as an adult even from early on…
No baby talk or stuff, but just treating me as if I was an adult. In my vision, making an career was all my father was interested in… Education = money = happiness. Without trying to judge this philosophy (but it is hard not to) I guess my being just needed to be child more… something I did not get. And now, it seems I a trying to catch up with it.Another part that might have played a big role, is my parents hardly being home… As soon as my brother went to kindergarten, she went back to being a journalist. this meant she was often away until six o’ clock, an also often in the evenings. My dad, leading a company division, was hardly at home, getting up at 5 in the morning, and more often as not coming home only after I was asleep.
I hated it when mom was away in the evening… but.. for dad it is an whole different story… I can but remember my dad as the one scolding me if my grades were bad, or if I did something wrong… At times, I was just hoping he could not be home before my bed time, just to avoid his arguments with me… This is very sad, but also very true.
I can only remember him commenting on the bad grades of my report cards… but never complimenting me on the better grades for subjects I was better at.. I only remember him telling those better grades were nothing more but normal. End of discussion…
An other thing that has been haunting me, is the fights about me. Mom and dad often argued about me, or rather my grades, and when I hit puberty, also the stunts I pulled then.
In sort…
- I did steak money form my parents – nothing more but loose change, but still.. it was wrong of course
- I had some fascination of fire an played wit it in house – though probably was just a way of getting attention.. even though not conscious
- I lied about grades, and some other stuff. I did this because I discovered that the scolding and punishment was less worse then the total of scolding and punishment I got when I was honest…but about the worst thing ever was me hearing them argue up to the point of them threatening each other with divorce… That night:
-I planted in my head that, if they ever would divorce: it would be because of me and it would be my fault, and my fault only
-I got a sickening hate for any arguments.
-As good as I can remember, it was the first time I thought about committing suicide… as it might keep them togetherThis, and my dads disgust for different lifestyles, made me communicate less and less with them, partly because I know they would not understand, and partly because I just ‘know’ it would lead to arguments
Reading the above, you might also get a small idea of what Chris went through when in January 2006, the ageplay family he had, broke up in an unfortunate way, and also why he has been that angry to those he saw as the force behind it.
SC May 24, 2006, 07:30:48 PM
An update
It has been long since any of us replied (Artan, Chris, Zach Duncan).
Here, on playhouse or anywhere else.I will try to give an update of me:
Chris
He finally got at piece with the break of his family at playhouse… I guess it is the time heals all wounds thing.
Though officially, Dragon Momma is still his momma, the sad truth is… it just does not feel like her being mommy anymore.
I still love her as a friend. I don’t want to point fingers or blame her, nor me for it.. but circumstances sometimes alter relationships without any of the parties liking it, or being able to stop it. Chris also came less important for me. It might sound strange, but in the end, I think it is a good thing.Zach
Zach on the other had, has become more important. If I am correct, my emotional age is shifting. This would be awesome -if true- because that would signify I am in an active healing process. Zach also has become more equal in mood as Chris.. This means he is not the bad horrible guy he was first. I rather like Zach now a days, he helps me in certain ways with my relational difficultiesArtan
Artan, as caregiver, I have put to a stop for now. It might sound self centric, and maybe it is, but being caregiver is very resource consuming for me, and I think I need those resources for healing.Duncan [ED: this is an other Duncan, a 3 – 4 year old]
More bad news: Duncan is only a role I play.. I gave him a good thought, but Duncan is not an inner child as Zach or Chris is.
Friends
It is sad, but if you make many friends, only few will remain… From al the people I have in my contact list, I only speak to a few still:
Ms Raven, Ms. Silver (If she is on), Chase, Dragon Momma, Anthony,
there are also a few, I hardly speak to, but still consider good friends:
Faith, Aishlinn (Miss you the most girl, but I know you are busy), Brian, Gryphonsinger
The funny farm
Having a new psych, my weirdness factor is reduced to 3 items to take care off:
1) Dysthymic Disorder (Continuous depression)
2) Avoidant Personality Disorder
3) raising my emotional age in R/L
all these items are linked, I know, and over time, my inner child(ren) might become less strong
My psych is very positive over having an inner child. Of course, he sees things from a psychological mechanic view, but he agrees it is a good form of self help. That way, he has no problems with my inner children being in existence as such.
LJ, 14 May 2006 @ 02:08 pm
Ultimate Irony
smirks*
I lost one of my mommies [Second live mommy, ed] to day, on Mothers day…
I guess I will see the humour of it in a few monthsRight now… I am my adult self, and build a wall around the feelings about this matter
SC, March 18, 2006, 09:29:37 AM
No Title
*sighs* would I ever be free to express myself? Even here in this blog, where I can control access, I dear not to speak my full emotions. Mostly because I fear of loosing people I call friends, if I would display my full range of emotions.
It is one of those things that are really bothering me. I can’t seem to express negative emotions in a way that both: Makes clear what I think, 2 does not freak out people too much.
Oh… the negative emotion of today is anger.
Finished with a royal pinch of self hate, in a sauce of sadness.I guess it will be gone, put away mostly by the time you can read this
SC, March 06, 2006, 10:43:21 AM
Withdrawn from PH.
Today has been sad.
I have withdrawn from PH.
Some people I think bad off have come back.
These people are a limit for me.
Though the have never done a bad thing on a public board,
They have been abusive in IM, and in my talks to them,
I did not see any remorse, or any sign of change.
That does make me believe – NO, I AM CONVINCED –
They will be abusive given enough time, and with guards down.
People what are convinced the Inner child is to blame,
clearly has no concept of family bands,
or the dependency you feel while in headspace
I resent those people, and retreated to protect my inner children.
I talked to the administrators of Playhouse, who are also close age play family.
I have offered to retreat without goodbye, as to not cause trouble.
Besides, I don’t want the ones who came back give a chance to play victim.
Yes I am still family to the administrators of PH, hoping that, at least will work out.
Only time will learn I suppose.
Note that at the moment, I am not able to express my true feelings of sadness,
I will cry, get in doubt and curse, but I am certain I made the right decision.
LJ 20 April 2006 @ 06:19 pm
Blessing?
Today I spoke to someone I know very well over Yahoo instant messenger.
She ended the conference with the remark: I love you like a brother.My brain suddenly came very active. Going over all people who know me we or even kind a know me…
I figured it is true.. I am loved as a brother.A brother/sister and brother/brother band is strong, so that is a blessing.
Yet.. a brother band will not change… it is al there is to it… It will never become more…It is a blessing, yet a curse. It should make me happy, yet I feel sad about it.
No need to try to understand… I hardly do it myself.. but I hat to tell this somewhere.
PH, Feb 6 2006, 05:29 PM
Break up of PH
The last few days have been rather painful for me. I lost a lot of family on PH. I talked with them, and understood that some of them had no choice. Or not a real choice at least. I think I have informed each of them how I feel about things
I have thought a lot about my future hear on the board. Making a decision was hard. What ever I decide, I know that in a way I hurt a few of those I really came to love. Actually… I know that I will do that by just writing this. But I think it is time I gave my vision on this.
Truthfully… If it was not for my Dragon Momma and my brothers I would leave. At the moment, PH is just not feeling like ‘home’. But Yes, I decided to stay. My main reason for the moment are the promises I held to a few of the remaining people of playhouse. But I hope with staying and helping, PH will grow again and become a more diverse community, where I and everyone will feel at home
LJ, 06 January 2006 @ 07:48 pm
Therapy Intake
Today I went to the second therapy intake appointment.
Mostly we went trough a questionnaire, where I was free to give comments (always nice, cause nothing is ever Black or White with me *grin*).
had a light chuckle at the question ” do you have the feeling people are talking about you in public” I am 6ft 4″ and over 230lbs… No… people never stair at someone who could just pass for a bear is he had more hair *chuckles*
Anyways, everything went rather all right up to the point of weather or not I feel like I existed out of more people…
So I had bring up the subject of my Inner Child Chris…
To my happy amazement, the therapist woman accepted did not need additional explanation.. She just asked if I as big wanted to get rid of Chris… I told her that being Chris helped me to break down some of my walls, and tat I rather wanted him to stay. She agreed with this, cause HAVING him seemed healthy! *smiles* well perhaps they think Chris will not last for ever, on the other side I just plainly told her that Chris was more to me then just escapism or a way to heal.. She seemed to be fine with that…Yay for us *smiles*
LJ 05 January 2006 @ 11:57 am
Yet Another Realization
When I did something bad, by bio parents were always disappointed with me..
Mostly I was send to my room, only to hear them arguing about me…
I even heard them threatening about divorce during the arguments…
They wanted to divorce because of me…
How I hated myself for that.
So at a point I decided that I just want to see as little as possible about me…
no grades, no “how was your day at school?” nothing…
Of course they would be disappointed with me if I did not tell,
but then if I did not tell I would not tell, they would never know,
and if they did not know, they would not fight…
and everything would be happyWell.. somehow it does make sense to me, sadly enough I can still follow that reasoning.
This is part of me… And now I bring it in the open… so I can start to accept it…
Though it sucks…
LJ 04 January 2006 @ 01:02 pm
What is good? The difference between thinking and action.
This conversation happened between aunty and me, but in different roles.. so we talk about me in 3rd person
Chris: I have talked about my feelings with Mommy though, about feeling the 5th wheel on the car
Chris: She understood, she of course already knew a little… I however blocked when I tried to ask for a little attention – I still can’t bring myself to it- and then the stuff with [Brother] started to happen..
Aunty: Right……of course.
Chris: Chris was a bit pisses at this and thought some nasty stuff for a split second when [Brother] wrote he wanted to go back to his old life.. – we feel bad about that
Aunty: oh. that is sad……….and you know being brother, Chris has every right to be angry
Chris: well for a split second, ‘ We’ though: Let him go to his old life.. *I* need attention… that is why we shut down…
Aunty: Oh………honey……..that does not make Chris bad
Chris: Hmmm…. it is very bad to think that.
Aunty: Honey……..we think all kinds of things……………
Aunty: Good
Aunty: Bad
Aunty: Even evil
Aunty: As long as we don’t Act of them…….
Aunty: They are ok to have.
Aunty: I promise
Chris: Hmmm…
Chris: Hmmm….
Aunty: I know you feel bad about thinking that
Aunty: And that shows you are a good caring person
Aunty: but thoughts and feelings are just thoughts and feelings
Chris: This is helpful, but it will take some time to process
Aunty: Not action
Aunty: Good.
Aunty: Niece thinks the same though.
Chris: I know….
Aunty: So I really do understand
Chris: *nods*
Aunty: *smiles*
Chris: Interesting you do know it as big though
Aunty: Hmmm…..how come?
Chris: Perhaps because Chris and Zach and Me feel the same about it
Aunty: That’s possible.
Chris: And I had the feeling that Niece might have known and feel it, if you felt it too… ‘My bad’ I guess
Aunty: Felt what?
Chris: About the difference between thinking and taking action
Aunty: Oh, nods
Aunty: Me as Big totally understands it
Aunty: Me as Niece doesn’t
Chris: And for you, as big also FEEL it?
Aunty: Yes
Chris: Oh… … …
Chris: Smiles then indeed you are way further then I am, as big
Aunty: I’ve had 10 yrs of therapy………lol
Chris: LOL
Aunty: If you as big can remind Chris and Zach that there is a difference that would be good.
Chris: Yes… I have too
Aunty: After u process it of course.
Chris: *Grin* Yeah!
Aunty: Cause if you as big doesn’t fully understand it….they won’ t.
Chris: Nods
LJ, 03 January 2006 @ 02:44 pm
Another insight into me
Aunty: I just don’t want you believing something that isn’ t true.
Chris: I know I have lots of those
Aunty: Yes you do.
Chris: But knowing that does not mean the feelings are gone, unfortunately
Aunty: No, but being aware of them is the first step
Aunty: Maybe you should conscientiously remind yourself
Aunty: *Hugs*
Chris: But, you see.. I am mostly causing trouble… I would just rather be alone, but I find it hard to be…
Aunty: *Sighs*
Chris: Talking circles in my head. I know.
Aunty: I find it interesting this comes up after you get a star….. it is like you’re trying to prove you’re bad
Chris: I don’t think it is the star, on its own, But the talks we had about it…
Aunty: I know honey, that’s what I mean
Chris: Actually, I do want to proof myself wrong. I have to defend myself against my own judge and jury in my soul… Therefore, I am looking for things others say, so I can defend myself…
Aunty: Honey, if you really wanted to proof yourself wrong, You wouldn’t be so harsh on yourself.
Aunty: And you wouldn’t judge yourself.
Aunty: *hug*
Chris: My kernel – who is my judge and jury – it is harsh on me. It might be a part of me, for sure, but then, an other part DOES want to proof me wrong. My defender, the one who sees that I am not all bad…
Aunty: *listens*
Chris: But he is small, and has to find answers. So we have to talk to the outside world, looking for clues on how to defend ourselves, and how to break down the walls
Aunty: So we need to make the defender bigger and stronger
Chris: Yes… more knowledgeable… for sure!
Aunty: *nods*……………..
Aunty: You know…….
Aunty: it is not just about looking for clues……….
Aunty: it is also believing/accepting the clues.
Chris: Yes.. I know that
Aunty: *Sigh*
Aunty: I know you know it.
Chris: Look.. I do know, rationally, both defender and judge are one: me as whole
Chris: So I defend myself against myself…
Aunty: I’m talking about *feeling* it, honey
Aunty: I wish you’d stop judging yourself.
Chris: I wish it too… but between wishing and doing, there are things as trust, acceptance and other conditions
Aunty: Nobody judges themselves objectively
Chris: No
Aunty: I also wish you’d share your feelings right now with me instead of your rationalism
Chris: I have a hard time sharing my deep feelings with myself… They are a lousy mix of anger hate and self pity… Not things that I am proud off…
Aunty: I know… pretty hard to talk about your feelings right now huh?Chris: Yes… and I fear they may be too ugly for anyone to hear… Maybe a therapist though.. They might be able to handle it
Aunty: *hug*
Aunty: I could handle all your feelings but maybe you should start talking about them in therapy
Chris: *grins* somehow that might be even harder… being face to face with some one… because then you also SEE them getting hurt…
Aunty: Honey, your therapist wont get hurt
Chris: I know… they are trained for it…
Aunty: *nods*
Aunty: But like other things, you will find out for yourself
LJ, 01 January 2006 @ 06:16 pm
Assignment (Part 2I)
I am Christopher Robbinson Blackstone-Pendragon and I am 8 years old.
My assignment is to write 2 paragraphs (10 lines) about why I am a good boy.
Since I really had no clue on way I should find my self a good boy, I focused upon trying to find out why others find me a good boy.
After a long talk with Mommy, I got the understanding that I be good, because I do really care for others….
I talked to Scout because… well it seems she needed someone to talk to. And I did really care for her because she felt hurt . Even pushing her beyond her limits, I did because I had hoped that by being stubborn she would give in, and not felt so lonely… I ever regret for being wrong though…. Anyway.. I also got plenty of reward for is, a very nice cousin
As for other reasons, and the conversation I got with Mommy that helped me realize stuff:
Chris: *sighs* you are real meaning it that I/we are good?
Mommy: yes, I AM! very much so!
Mommy: look….you are now getting things ready to send something to [Brother] to help him feel better and to bring him back. You don’t have to. You WANT to. you are thinking of HIM. When you first CAME to the PH, you were worried about hurting any ones relationships… you thought of others first
Mommy: you took the time to send a card over Christmas not only to me, but to [Brother]…at a time when he was feeling a little bit low.
Mommy: you thought of HIM. not yourself. that is the one true sign of a good person…one who thinks of others not himself, first
Chris: hmmm
Chris: yes I did, but does not everyone (except for the really bad ones, maybe? ) I just see this as something everyone would have done, having the same information.
Chris: (sorry for keep whining… I just want to understand)
Mommy: no…YOU thought to do it, no questions asked
Mommy: not everyone would have
Mommy: most times, the thought is…well, they have a (mommy, daddy, aunt, uncle) so I don’t have to do anything. like what you did with scout. She HAS an auntie…but YOU, CHRIS, sought her out, to find out why. I seriously doubt there are many there at PH that would even consider it
Chris: Mommy… we both want to thank you so much… To be honest, we both have thought it might have been that… but dismissed it because it seems so natural to do.. lit it is a normal thing…. that is why we couldn’t see or classify it as ‘good’
I think I have had a realization of why I be a good boy, and even more useful why big is a good boy too *grin*
I know we will fall back a few times, but at least we know how to see the perspective.
Tank you for giving me the assignment, Aunty
LJ 01 January 2006 @ 06:07 pm
Assignment (Part I)
Aunty gave me an assignment, to write 2 paragraphs (10 lines about why I -supposedly- am a good boy
this conversation was the reason:[12:02] Aunty: what are you doing honey?
[12:02] Chris: Thinking…
[12:02] Aunty: Want to talk about it?
[12:03] Chris: *Nods*
[12:04] Aunty: I’m here
[12:06] Chris: I just don’t know what to do Aunty, I be afraid of people acting nice…
[12:06] Aunty: oh.
[12:06] Aunty: Hmmmmmm
[12:07] Aunty: How about going with your gut instinct about people?
[12:08] Chris: Can’t trust that.
[12:08] Aunty: *Frowns*
[12:08] Aunty: Well then take things slow…
[12:09] Chris: NOOO!!!!
[12:09] Aunty: Talk about being afraid
[12:09] Aunty: *Looks at you serious*
[12:09] Chris: Yes!… No!… Yes!… AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH
[12:10] Aunty: I just look at u
[12:10] Chris: *curling up again*
[12:10] Chris: Trying to rock but stopping myself…
[12:11] Chris: *feeling very foolish* and small, And lonely, very lonely…
[12:12] Aunty: *Patting your back*
[12:16] Chris: Why? Why can’t I trust people?
[12:16] Chris: I Only trust people for so far.
[12:17] Chris: Even those I do really care much for.
[12:17] Chris: Why?
[12:17] Chris: *cries*
[12:17] Aunty: Because you’ve been hurt baby
[12:17] Aunty: *Pats your back*
[12:17] Chris: I want to trust.
[12:18] Aunty: You do trust though… You can’ t trust everybody, honey
[12:22] Chris: But I only trust up to a point .. that makes me sad
[12:22] Aunty: I know honey.
[12:22] Aunty: You can’t push yourself though.
[12:23] Chris: If someone tells me s/he lies me, I just think s/he makes it up to be nice….
[12:23] Aunty: we have limits sometimes for a reason
[12:23] Aunty: *listens*
[12:24] Chris: Them telling they like me, so I feel better, and then the realization they were lying… so I fall down again…
[12:24] Chris: That hurts soooo much..
[12:24] Aunty: It does hurt
[12:24] Aunty: Lots
[12:25] Chris: I better not listen and just accept I be nothing at all… tat hurts less, though it is frustrating
[12:26] Aunty: Looking sternly at you… If you belittle yourself again, i’ll make u write an essay
[12:27] Aunty: about why you are a good loveable person
[12:27] Aunty: crosses arms
[12:27] Chris: *silence*
[12:28] Aunty: Do u understand Christopher?
[12:28] Chris: *nods slowly*
[12:29] Aunty: tell me what I said
[12:30] Chris: you will make me write an essay about me being *pauses a moment* a good lovable person *pauses again* if I belittle myself again.
[12:31] Aunty: That’s right I actually have a good mind making you do it anyway
[12:33] Chris: [[Hmmm]]
[12:33] Aunty: [[that’s what I was thinking about earlier]]
[12:33] Aunty: [[would it help?]]
[12:34] Chris: [[to be honest, I don't know... I did have tried to force myself to do that, but I never got a letter on paper]]
[12:34] Chris: [[*smiles* it is deep in me]]
[12:35] Aunty: [[I think Chris should]]
[12:35] Aunty: [[He can turn it in to me a week from now]]
[12:36] Chris: [[I as big don't know how to write positive about myself, and mean it... and that is the truth *smirks*]]
[12:36] Chris: [[But you might want to try... and I will do my best, I just don't know what will happen]]
[12:36] Aunty: [[yes I want to try]]
[12:37] Aunty: Honey?
[12:37] Chris: [[nods]]
[12:37] Chris: Looks at Aunty
[12:38] Aunty: I want you write 2 paragraphs (10 lines) why you are a good boy
[12:39] Aunty: By Friday
[12:39] Chris: I’ll try Aunty…
[12:39] Chris: Yes Aunty
[12:40] Aunty: No try. you will write it.
[12:40] Aunty: I’m not playing around
[12:40] Aunty: U need to start believing you’re worthy…
[12:41] Aunty: Maybe writing it out will help
[12:41] Chris: But how’s I start?
[12:41] Aunty: Hmmmm
[12:42] Aunty: Start with your name, age, your family, what u like doing
[12:43] Aunty: Then talk about why you are a good cousin, son and brother
[12:45] Chris: *nods* just hope I can realize why I am that
[12:46] Aunty: You will sweets.
[12:47] Aunty: This is not exactly punishment either, so try to have fun with it
[12:50] Aunty: You could talk about how you’ve helped Scout along the way.
[12:50] Aunty: lol. that’s all I’m giving you
[12:57] Chris: *nods*
[12:57] Aunty: smilesI will try to do my assignment here… The texts between [[ ]] are like things that are said outside headspace, as big to big
LJ, 01 December 2005 @ 09:42 pm
Negative emotions towards others
*sigh*
I am already wondering if I should write this her, or just keep it for myself.
both ideas seem as bad for me.The fact is that I have a lot of negative emotions towards others the last few days.
That would already be bad enough it was about the milkman, the man that cut me on the freeway, to the woman at the counter of the grocery store.But the truth is I have these feelings about people who I do consider friends.
Jealousy and anger seem to be the biggest negative feelings I have, but some other feelings as well. Fortunately, the biggest part of my anger is focused on my self, as usual. I hate I feel like that about close friends.
I know I should not judge others like that. and I know those friend have other problems I don’t have, and that I should be happy for that in stead of envy little things others seem to have and I don’t
*sigh*
I have prided myself in being able to accept everybody and anyone for who he/she is. but now I even seem to fail at that. I wish I knew how to deal with it, but I really have no clue.
PH, Nov 20 2005, 10:28 PM
Reparenting & Age Play Family
I keep telling myself: One day… there will be some nice woman who would be there for me as mommy. but I am kidding myself. Mommies are rare. *sigh* I guess I had my one shot for a mommy, but blew it. Typical for me it seems. *grin* but I got much support from many of you… [List of friends]
I’ve also been thinking of asking a certain someone to be family… But I don’t think anyone is really waiting for me. There is someone I’d like to have as family, but I don’t know how that someone would react. *grins* I don’t want to loose friendship. That is way more important to me. And I have survived this long without family. Things can wait.
The weird thing is.. There seem to be more then enough people (at least 3) out there who want to be my ‘daddy’ or something. I don’t get it… It is about the only clear statement I made.. NO MALE AUTHORITIVE FIGURES. That means no daddies, no uncles and no grandpas and so on… can’t they understand English?
PH, Nov 20 2005, 10:23 PM
Therapy
Therapy for big and I is getting close. It scares us both though we know it is much needed. We know life will not be again as it ever was… We just hope it will be better.
We fear the opposite though. Telling that I am not healthy for Big.. that I should cease to exist.
LJ, 30 October 2005 @ 02:12 pm
Spanking
Today, for the first time, I played the role of disciplinary daddy online…
Since I don’t have much experience yet in this kind of role play, and especially not on the Dom side, I was a bit reluctant at first…After all, being the Dom side brings in even more responsibility.. And I still fear of really hurting someone. But since she was kind enough to give me a spanking yesterday, I was more then happy to comply…
I know some of you reading this would like details, but well, I will not publish anything without her approval…
During the session, I came to the conclusion That I liked it more then I expected (However, I do like being a kid more) , but that I still have to learn a lot… Not to strange, thinking this it the first time…
Living somewhere in the USA, the woman is still asleep when I write this… I hope to contact her soon after she wakes up, to see if she has had some backfiring… I sure hope not, because I don’t like to loose a friend that way.
PH, Oct 7 2005, 10:47 AM
Mood
Yup… I’m moody again…
This time, however, it is the feeling of loneliness pestering me…Is it the things that happened in my past?
Well it is the same feeling of loneliness, for sure.But why?
I have more friends then ever (all right, only online, but still)
I can play with the stories on the playhouse, and on some other boards, like GI
I should be happy, damnit!Am I too needy?
I think I am… I’ve always been I guess, in my own way.
PH, Oct 4 2005, 11:23 AM
No Title
Sometimes I get the wondering what I am still doing on this planet.
What makes me want to live anyway? I mean it is not that I have to much to look forward to… I flunked my career, have no social life, nor will I have that again. … Actually, me living is quite pointless, and I only take up oxygen… Why, then why am I still alive
Is it because of my family?
I wouldn’t really care. Yeah, they would look bad for a bit, in they eyes of others. They will get over it…Is it because of my friends?
Like I have them.. Wait.. that is not fair… I have one that I know is a real friend now. Over the internet only, for sure, but she is.. And yeah, I would do anything for her… Truly anything.Is it fear of death?
No, that can’t be… For me, there is no God. After live, I just will fade into oblivion. Not a big deal, but neither a pleasant thought… If I fear something, it would be doing it wrongly… Ending up in a mental hospital where I can spend the rest of my days living in agony…Is it the remote possibility I can ever be happy again?
I guess it is.. I truly want it, but the sceptic and the sarcast in me are laughing at it… Sure you will… Your are angry, bitter, no career, no friends, you are as ugly and fat as hell… Get a grip man! They should cage freaks like you… And I think they are right….But I made a Hard Promise…
For me, a Hard Promise is a Vow that is not to be avoided. It is a rule I have to obey to… because I can not do different.. no if cases, I just can’t.. It is more solid as any law, ad any socially accepted values… If I make a Hard Promise. I keep it.
A Hard Promise, I keep either for my live (I have few, but very powerful ones) or for a time period (in most cases, for a year). Such promise, I have to go in a special kind of trance, and make that promise. I can only do it, If I really want to do it.On September 1 I have made a Hard Promises for a year: I will not commit suicide for a year.
So until September 2006, you will have to bare my random ramblings, my whining and well, all of me. What happens afterwards, I cannot day yet. some part hopes I feel good enough to keep on living, and other part, is just being sarcastic about that…
